Part 3 of an 8 part series: Inanimate objects I would like to have sex with

Whassa matter, Eli? Wondering why you made my list? You’re the most inanimate person alive today… but I love you more than I could ever express.

You will never hold my heart like Chad does, but man, that guy is so full of life. You, my friend, are a walking robot. After winning the NFC Championship game, you plodded along the field searching for the only person you wanted in your arms after the game… the punter.

And, damn… that post-game interview. You reacted like you just won a Jeff Spicoli
Look-a-like contest… “I-am-glad. No-I-am-very-happy. Ha. This-is-me-happy. We-are-going-to-the-Super-Bowl.”

So, why do I love him so much? Good question.



I think because he gets crapped on so much. He’s a very good quarterback and seems to be a very good guy… yet, he gets so much crap. Uncalled for. He’s the man.

And anybody who can score a chick like this, with the personality of a radar gun has to be good in the sack…



…d$’s coming Eli… Hide your heart, bro…

Part 2 of an 8 part series: Inanimate objects I would like to have sex with

For years and years I have heard about the wonders of High Definition Television. I scoffed at everyone, as I saw no difference between my regular TV and HDTV. On Tuesday, I procured my HDTV and I have entered a fantastic world of colors, sounds and sports.

Hockey and Basketball, the two I’ve seen so far, are fantastic. I can only imagine how badass the two football games will be on Sunday. My Xbox looks absolutely surreal. I’m getting a hard-on just thinking about it. Wait a second… porn in HD?! There is a God… Thank you, Tom Jones.



Regular channels in comparison to HD programming are like night and day. I finally understand what the fuss was all about. I look at this TV in awe.

The truth is, it’s just a TV, but it makes me feel like more of a man… like pretending I know how to operate power tools or what an 8-cylinder engine does. Actually, I don’t know much man shit at all… What the hell is torque? I’m know more about Bjork than I know about torque.

None-the-less, women don’t want men who know about cars… they don’t want cool hair, big muscles, big… other stuff… they want men with an HDTV. They don’t care if they drive a ’93 Pontiac… they don’t care that he lives with his parents or that he works retail…



All that matters? If he owns an HDTV… it’s on