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NFL Fantasy Top 5 2008

As the NFL season draws to a close, I have decided to leave you all with a gem for next season. Usually, I am clandestine as hell with my insights and knowledge, divulging information (and misinformation) to only a few trusted associates. However, being that I'm coming off the kind of wire-to-wire dominance that only the Post-Spurrier Gator's can understand, I've decided to level out the playing field a bit by giving you all a leg up.

And so without further ado, I give you my 2008 Top 5 Fantasy Players

1: Tom Brady - QB - New England Patriots

Wow, really!? Thanks a ton dickhead. I bet this is what many of you are saying to yourself right now. Well go eat a dick. Brady is the first non-runningback in the past decade who is worthy of leading off a draft. This guy was a scoring machine this season, putting up more than 500 fantasy points in a standard league with standard bonuses, and even in the games where he didn't dominate through the air (@Indy, Miami, @ Baltimore, Jets) he still did a more than admirable job of protecting the football.

So when you've got a guy with a ridiculous offensive line providing him with an offensive amount of time to locate the most talented receiving corps this side of Montana's Niners (fuck the Rams bitch.) and a top ten pick coming on the heels of a Superbowl appearance, I'd say it's safe to pass up on the RBs for a round.


2: Adrian Peterson - RB - Minnesota


Yeah I hear you guy's screaming at the top of your lungs! He's injury prone! He's splitting carries! He's not LDT! Fuck you guys man. There's a reason that they call him Purple Jesus, ask my friends at KSK. So bear with me for a goddamn minute, and let's take a closer look.

Peterson played in 14 games, and was shut down over the last two, with the Vikes collapsing and eschewing playoff competition. So in, effectively, 12 games, Peterson rushed for more than 1300 yards and 12 touchdowns! He did this while splitting carries with a runningback, recovering from a torn LCL in his knee, and hitting the proverbial rookie wall. He also broke the hundred yard mark six times, scored multiple tds four times, and broke 200 yards rushing twice!

This man runs behind the best run blocking line in the NFL, has a legit #2 back (provided the Vikes resign Chester Taylor) who can share the load, and NOT turn the ball over, and will only get better and stronger as he grows into his body (read: performance enhancers)

You skip on him because of his shoulder, or ankle, or knee...and I'll be laughing all the way to the bank...AGAIN.

3: LaDainian Tomlinson - RB - San Diego

This guy is the most consistent force in the history of fantasy football. Two seasons ago he caught 100 passes, in addition to rushing for well over 1000 yards. Last season he broke an itty bitty TD record, crushing 30 TDs in the process, and this past season he led the NFL in both rushing and rushing TDs (and added another four TDs receiving and passing).

So what if he shows up about as big as pre-superbowl Peyton in big games, and who cares if he slaps and pushes people in the locker room after every big game. This is the closest that I have ever seen to a guy whose numbers can be set in stone.

Be aware that in my examination, it is extremelly rare for a runningback to produce more than three consecutive dominant years. Marshall Faulk, Priest Holmes, Stephen Davis, and many others have all conspired to collapse after three years due to a myriad of factors. While it is true that all three of these backs were significantly older than Tomlinson's 28, it is a nagging issue in the back of my mind.

4: Randy Moss - WR - New England

Man what the fuck is this wide receiver doing in my top five?! This guy better be like Jerry Rice in hsi prime or some shit. People who take receivers in the first round, well they fucking lose! While all of the above is true, if you want this guy, you're gonna hafta reach for him. I would take him over Brian Westbrook, Joseph Addai, Brandon Jacobs, Clinton Portis, Willis McGahee, and an entire fleet of wookies. Have you seen this unshaven bastard in his red hood!? He looks like a crackhead! I mean, I honestly believe that the man in the picture sells all kind of dope.

We saw Randy put up an NFL record, 23 TD receptions (sorry Jerry), and catch nearly 100 passes for nearly 1500 yards. No receiver has had a season like this ever (Rice never combined all three of these aspects at such high levels in a single year). There is no way that he will be able to match this past season's output, but even considering a substantial drop off, let's say 85 catches for 1200+ yds and 13+ TDs, you will be getting the best receiver, and most dangerous playmaker in the NFL.

5: Brian Westbrook - RB - Philadelphia

I reserve the right to alter this spot if Donovan McNabb gets traded, Andy Reid gets fired, or Jon Runyan retires. Westbrook is the new Tiki Barber. This guy is constantly all over the field, catching screens and breaking through into the second level, where he is always a threat to take it to the house.

Westbrook played in 15 games, and broke 100 yds of total offense in all but two. While his TD #s dropped this season (only 7 rushing TDs) his consistent production and immense share of the Eagle's offense make him a no brainer in this spot. While his toughness and brittleness are always something to worry about, there is no fear of him losing production altogether as a result of the offense getting pass happy (Peyton Manning/Joseph Addai).

Plus Westbrook is often inserted as a punt returner in big situations, and in leagues that keep track of special teams touchdowns, this could boost you over the top in a big one.

Rapper Lil Wayne Arrested in YUMA!

What a surprise another Rapper was arrested, WHEN WILL THEY LEARN... According to the AP lil wayne was arrested early Wednesday in YUMA, Arizona. The info is below. Also is a picture of Lil Wayne kissing bird man on the LIPS, they said its some black Mafia SHIT! I dont know its sounds more Brokeback Mountain then 3:10 to YUMA!




PHOENIX -- Rapper Lil Wayne was arrested on three felony drug charges early Wednesday after federal agents said they found illegal drugs including cocaine on his charter bus at a checkpoint in southwestern Arizona.
Lil Wayne, whose real name is Dwayne Michael Carter Jr., was being held at the Yuma County Sheriff's jail on state drug charges, Capt. Eben Bratcher said.

Carter appeared via video arraignment late Wednesday morning in a justice court in Wellton, 35 miles east of Yuma.
James Tilson, a local attorney retained by Carter and his New York-based lawyer, said his client was not formally charged and his next court date was scheduled for Jan. 25.
"We will find out by Jan. 25 whether or not the (Yuma) county attorney will file charges or not," Tilson said. "He is looking forward to his day in court. That's all I can say right now."
His bond was set at $10,185. Tilson said they were working on his release.
The 28-year-old faces charges of possession of dangerous drugs, narcotics and drug paraphernalia.
Bratcher said Carter was arrested by Drug Enforcement Administration agents at a Border Patrol checkpoint near Dateland, Ariz., 78 miles east of Yuma.
DEA spokeswoman Ramona Sanchez said a Border Patrol canine unit alerted agents to the presence of illegal drugs on the bus. A search yielded nearly four ounces of marijuana, just over an ounce of cocaine, 41 grams of Ecstasy and miscellaneous drug paraphernalia. – AP

Bill Clinton Killed A part of my Childhood

Bill Clinton Ruined My Childhood

Apparently as a Black Person it is sacrilegious to talk badly about Bill Clinton, “The First Black President”. He isn't labeled the 1st Black president because of his ability to overcome great barriers and strife, growing up in the poor south. Rather, it’s because he played the Saxophone, Smoked Weed and got head from an Ugly White woman. Nonetheless, I am still a BIG fan of Bubba, until I uncovered information suggesting Bill Jefferson Clinton is responsible for killing a part of my childhood.

When BUBBA signed the Telecommunications act of 1998 it dissolved multiple restrictions previously placed on the Media Giants. The act allowed the major networks to show adult oriented programming during the coveted 2pm – 5pm time slot. Instead of innocent cartoons -- shows like the Jerry Springer & Maury were allowed into the time slot. Children today are watching programs such as WHO IS MY BABY’s DADDY, instead of cartoons.

Because of the Telecommunication, Bill Clinton and the TV Execs who lobbied the Telecommunication ACT -- I find them GUILTY of murdering the following TV Shows!!! I will be holding a silent vigil for these shows from 3:00 pm to 5:00 pm…
Please hold up your lighter as I read the victim names.

Chip & Dale Rescue Rangers:
Came on after The Gummy Bears and only lasted a couple years but they were so cute… They were the older version of Alvin and the Chipmunks if you think about it!

Ducktales: What did Louie, Huey and Douie do to deserve such a death? WHAT DID THEY DO? Swim in Uncle Scrooge’s Money Bank one too many times?

TaleSpin: Who didn’t love big Ol’ Ballou? A spin-off off the Jungle Book, I blame Rickie Lake for their death, FAT BITCH!

Darkwing Duck: He Saved countless ducks in his cartoon and do you know how he was rewarded? Was killed flying south through Iowa in 2000 when George Bush was campaigning. Bush was trying to show he was a real Southern and a member of the NRA and shot Darkwing while he was migrating!

Goof Troop: Who didn’t love Goofy? The forgotten man of Disney! All he wanted to do was get away from Mickey Mouse’s’ shadow and coke problem. He landed his own show in 1995. His show was suddenly taken off the air and he disappeared for ever. Some people say Mickey had something to do with it but he was in rehab when the disappearance occurred! The last sighting of Goofy was in Virgina, at the Bad News Kennels.

Anamaniacs : They were suppose to be locked in the VAULT for ever but Spielberg let them out. They were mysteriously trapped in the closet with R. Kelly but there has been no proof, Dot will not testify against Kelly and is currently living on his estate in Chicago.

Gizmoduck: I can’t even say enough about Gizmoduck, he was featured on three other cartoons… Ducktales, Darkwing Duck and Gizmoduck… Poor guy… So what if he was busted for using steroids. After he was canceled and replaced by The Sally Jesse Raphael show he committed suicide. Some say it was the steroids, I say it was due to the betrayal by Clinton.

Tiny Toons:
Tiny Toons is one of my favorite cartoons of all time. Sadly, child stars always fade fast do the high life. Babs Bunny is apparenlty turning Trixs in California and Buster Bunny never recovered from the Murder of Bugs Bunny. . Buster was last seen in Vegas working magic shows. He is a functioning alcholic and has more chidlren then Shawn Kemp.


Save by the Bell: Was the only show to survive the purge and to be honest it thrived. But the success was also their demise. Lisa, my imaginary wife at the time has only been in one Movie of note, since Save by the Bell, “How High”, Zach has had a solid career, Jesse ended up on Showgirls and has been doing soft porn on Skinamax, Slater went on Dancing with the Stars, and Screech made a home made porno and got coked out of his mind with Mickey.

The 1998 Telecommunications Act Ruined Everyone

Backcourt Violations

I wish more people cared about basketball. We're really in the midst of one of its better seasons, and most of the country couldn't give a damn.

Phoenix 114, Milwaukee 105

Much closer than it needed to be. Nash drops 37 day after I call Chris Paul the best PG in the NBA (he still is Nashie, sorry), obviously he must be reading this. Who the hell knows whats going on in Milwaukee. Outside of Redd, Bogut and Mo Williams, who do you really covet on that team?

Sacramento 128, New Jersey 94

I'm originally from The Jerz, so I always have special spot (by special I mean haphazard interest) for the Nets. God are they terrible. I watched them over the weekend and I've never seen a more disinterested club. Vince Carter is like poison for the NBA. All the talent in the world, but the same amount of courage and heart as the guy Daniel Craig played in Road to Perdition. Seems they might be on the verge of a big trade, but unless they are freeing themselves of VC, it won't help.

Stallone: Hall of Badass

In the past 30+ years there has been many action heroes who have come into our lives. These action stars have kicked, punched, jumped, and stomped into our hearts. I'm talking about guys like Bruce Willis, Chuck Norris, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Steven Seagal, Jackie Chan, Chow Yun Fat, Schwarzenegger, and the incomparable Mario Van Peebles. All the guys I speak of are great action stars, but none of them have created more iconic characters than Sylvester Stallone. Here is a look back at some of the biggest and baddest Stallone creations.

Rocky Balboa

(Rocky I-V, Rocky Balboa)

"No, maybe I can't win, maybe the only thing I can do is just take everything he's got. But to beat me, he's gonna have to kill me, and to kill me, he's gonna have to have the heart to stand in front of me, and to do that, he's gotta be willing to die himself and I don't know if he's ready to do that. I don't know, I don't know."

John Rambo

(First Blood, Rambo:First Blood Part II, Rambo III, Rambo)

"I could have killed 'em all, I could kill you. In town you're the law, out here it's me. Don't push it. Don't push it or I'll give you a war you won't believe. Let it go. Let it go. "

Raymond "Ray" Tango

(Tango & Cash)

[Tango has just stuck a grenade down a bad guy's pants] "My contribution to birth control."

Lt. Marion "Cobra" Cobretti

(Cobra)

"You're a disease - and I'm the cure."

Lincoln Hawk

(Over The Top) "The world meets nobody halfway. When you want something, you gotta take it."

Frank Leone

(Lock Up)"Well, one night these punks broke into the garage and put a beating on old man Galetti. The whole neighborhood knew about it. The cops knew about it. But I guess these punks were connected, so the cops didn't do anything and I did. So after all the smoke had cleared, these guys ended up in the hospital and I ended up doing 18 months in Treadmore for aggravated assault."

John Spartan

(Demolition Man) "You're gonna regret this the rest of your life... both seconds of it."

Judge Joseph Dredd

(Judge Dredd)"I am the law! Put down your weapons and prepare to be judged."

TV Doldrums Lifesaver

Do you know who the man in the center of that picture is?

You should. It's the magnificent Chris Hansen, obviously talking to some idiotic pedophile who thought talking to a young girl on the internet was a wonderful idea. I really could find zero to watch last night, but at the last minute, I flipped past MSNBC and lo and behold, To Catch a Predator was on. Instant hour of entertainment. I could go on for hours about how utterly entertaining this show is, but a friend of mine wrote about it recently, and probably did a better job than I'd ever do.

Chris Hansen rules!

To Catch a Predator Running Diary - Copy and Cigarettes