While watching that George Clooney-narrated documentary about Darfur, it occurred to me that problems are in the eye of the beholder.

I'm 23, battling a chronic illness, working a shitty job that requires most of a law degree but pays worse than a janitorial position (no joke...I know this because I play on the janitor's intramural basketball team)...I'm about to graduate law school and completely unsure where to live and work...I'm heartbroken...blah, blah, blah.

The people of Darfur have been bombed, hacked-up, raped, starved, and ignored by the hundreds of thousands for decades. I mean...dismembered and/or charred bodies all over the place. The international community doesn't give a fuck, and there's no real end in sight for them.

But does that make me feel fortunate? Nope. My problems still seem crushing.

And to a disgustingly wealthy close friend of mine, his problems (most recently, he thought the housekeeper at the Ritz-Carlton in New Orleans, where he flew to drop thousands of dollars on a ticket to this year's boring BCS championship game, went through his luggage and stole a sweater) are just as bad as mine and those of those poor bastards in Darfur.

Just saying.



P.S. If you want to waste Mitt Romney's campaign cash AND harass your friends and family simultaneously, you can arrange to have Mitt Romney's recorded voice call them to solicit donations and speak out against such things as "radical jihad". Rrrrrright here.

Attention anyone with a womb: Tom Brady wants to impregnate you!

3 Superbowl Victories, 50 TD passes, 1 wonderfully cleft chin....


These are all very important numbers in the life of a one Mr. Tom Brady.....but none of these numbers can compare to his ultimate goal.......

"Yea, I would love to give Travis Henry and Shawn Kemp a run for their money. Hell, I'd love to completely blow them out of the water. Imagine this cleft chin on at least 3 babies in each state. Except maybe Alabama of course, a guy has got to draw the line somewhere."


We approached Shawn Kemp outside a local TGI Fridays and told him about Brady's goals, he had this to say to Tom......


"I tell ya what, the Reign Man's got alot of respect for Mr. Tom Bradley's quest to sperm the nation from coast to coast. I'm proud to be a trailblazer of womb fertilizing. I've sprayed this great nation with my libido and I gladly pass the torch to Tom and wish him the best of luck. What time is it? what? 2:50? Oh Lordy...Sorry to cut this short guys but I need to get to the bank before they close. Need to make sure I have enough in my checking account for the 13 child support checks....."

We were also lucky enough to run into Travis Henry at Stop & Shop stocking up on 42 bags of chewy chips ahoy. We asked him how he felt about Tom's quest.

Reenactment of a Henry family gathering

"16-0, a perfect season huh Tom? Well how about 9 kids with 9 different women?...booyah!"

In the end Tom Brady may fall short of his ultimate goal of impregnating the entire Eastern Seaboard, but you can't blame the man for trying.

"I've been awesome at everything else I've tried....bass fishing....scuba diving...hoola hooping..world's strongest man competitions (See you next year Magnus Ver Magnusson....bitch).....I even won 3 straight seasons of Big Brother on CBS. If anyone can achieve their goals it's me, and I won't stop until my seed is in 76% of this country. That you can guaran-damn-tee. Attention everyone, if you have a womb I will impregnate it! Now if you'll excuse me I have to go do my Kegal exercises...."