Saturday, January 19, 2008

If you smell what Barack is cooking...

Here’s the thing… I can talk intelligently about politics all I want, but eff it. I’m going to talk in this forum about politics the way I wish it was played out. Imagine if you will…

::Barack sitting in his office::

“My fellow Americans…” No, no, no… damn! Why do I have to be all political and crap? Why can’t I just be myself? ‘No one wants to see the real Barack’… my ass. How am I supposed to read this train wreck diatribe my speech writer wrote for me… I need some new rhymes…

::Hits the intercom::

“Shelly, get Luda on the phone…”

“LUDA! It’s Barack. Listen, I need some real powerful beats for my next speech… none of that Austin Powers shit, though…”

::Barack puts his feet up and falls into a day dream::

Do you smell what Barack is cooking?

::Music hits::

Finally… Barack has come back to the White House!

::soaks up applause::

You have Rudy and Hillary and the whole lot of 'em running their jabroni mouths and Barack single-handedly took them out one by one by damn one… Barack has LAYETH THE SMACKETHDOWN on their CANDYASSES!!! IF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLLL…

::Wakes up, thinking::

Working with Luda or Laying the Smackethdown is fine… but I think Barack can do them all one better…

::slowly nods::

Friday, January 18, 2008

Playing W/ Yourself can Be Dangerous

No need to write about this clip! Dude was just trying to play with himself apparently.

PEACE! Have a good weekend!

Wooooo! Ric Flair officially endorses Mike Huckabee

You read that correctly America. Not only is the Chuck Norris pain train backing Mike Huckabee's presidential campaign but 'The Nature Boy' himself has hopped on board. At this point does anyone even need to listen to Huckabee's views to know that he's exactly what this country needs? I know I don' mind is already made up. Imagine if you will the fear in the eyes of evildoers when forced to choose how they will meet their demise.... a brutal palm thrust to the throat or a knife edge chop to the chest? A dropkick to the midsection or a chop block to the back of the knees? A double spinning reverse roundhouse kick to the back of the head or the figure four leg lock? Death won't be one of the options because that would let said evildoers off the hook far to easy.

Ric Flair: "Mike Huckabee is the Man, Wooooo!"

Do this country a 'solid' and make sure you vote for Mike Huckabee. His thoughts on taxes? Not important. His feelings on the war in Iraq? Who gives a shit. How would he handle the touchy subject of gay marriage? Doesn't really matter. All that matters is two words......NORRIS & FLAIR.

Even if Mike Huckabee doesn't win the election he might just take over the White House and sit in the Oval Office for four years straight. Who's going to remove him with Norris standing in front of the door and Ric Flair's leer jet flying overhead? Nobody...that's who...


Look What We've Done...

Thirsty Monkey

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I bet the ape is happy its Friday too.

A Real Life Cartoon

I have always had a high level of respect for Dare Devils. Their courage / stupidity, is rewarded with our admiration and/or horror if their stunt goes wrong. The only reason we watch their stunts is due to the imminent presence of death. It is no different to why we watch boxing in hopes for a bloodbath. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? In reality, we are the fucked up ones in the head and not the crazy dare devil.
The Video reminds me of the Wiley Coyote Cartoon with an ACME Rocket.
I laughed my ass off watching this clip and so will you (unless you are the guy in the video or his friend). The only thing missing was the Road Runner going BEEP BEEP.

Squirting Milk out my Nose.

When they start counting it reminded me of COOL RUNNINGS!

This was beyond FUNNY. We watched it at work at least 10 times... I don't recall trying this trick as a kid. Nonetheless, I did bust my ass numerous times trying to do the KID & PLAY Move. What type of FUCKED UP INDIVIDUAL would make fun of these young ladies? Me, Myself and I!

Movies Men Are Allowed to Cry Through: Brian's Song

When I was a kid, I remember watching Brian’s Song and quite understanding the overall importance and the underlying message in the film. About five years ago, I was flipping through the channels when I caught the movie at just the right time. After the initial shock of watching an early-70’s made for TV movie staring Billy Dee Williams and James Caan, I settled in and watched one of the greatest movies ever made.

At just over 70 minutes long, the movie is little longer in length than your average television drama episode; but the short run time doesn’t allow for a dull moment. Rather, you see the camaraderie of Gayle Sayers and Brian Piccolo almost immediately. They’re a backfield tandem, they’re roommates, and they were mixed-raced best friends, which wasn’t often seen in the mid-60s.

Then ‘Pic’ started getting sick. As 'Pic' gets more sick, his friendship with 'Black Magic' only grows stronger. The strength of Brian Piccolo, along with the friendship he shared with Gayle Sayers are the driving forces of this movie. As Brian Piccolo is nearing death, Gayle Sayers goes to accept the George S. Halas aware for courage and delivers one of the most tear-inducing scenes in movie history.

I'd like to tell you about a guy I know, a friend of mine. His name is Brian Piccolo. And he has the heart of a giant, and that rare form of courage that allows him to kid himself and his opponent, cancer. He has a mental attitude that makes me proud to have a friend who spells out the word 'courage,' 24 hours a day, every day of his life. Now you honor me by giving me this award. But I say to you here now Brian Piccolo is the man who deserves the George S. Halas award. It is mine tonight... and Brian Piccolo's tomorrow.

I love Brian Piccolo and I'd like all of you to love him, too. And so tonight, when you hit your knees, please ask God to love him.

It doesn’t get any better than that. If you can get through this movie without crying, then you’re a soulless beast. I love Brian's Song and I’d like all of you to love it, too.

Backcourt Violations

Everyday (at least I hope I will get around to it everyday) I'm going to a do a brief synopsis of last nights NBA lineup. Might be one line, might be more depending on how I feel, or how much of the game I saw.

Cleveland 90 - San Antonio 88

Only a few months late, but its something..i think. One thing stood out, besides how lethargic the Spurs looked til the 4th, Larry Hughes had some fast break points but from what I can remember he took a lay up on both. The athletic phenom that entered the league 10 years ago and is still only 29, now attacks the basket with the same tenacity as Eric Snow.

Utah 109 - Denver 120

You let Linas Kleiza beat you?? Really?! No way Mark Eaton would have stood for that.

Phoenix 106 - L.A. Lakers 98

Watched the first half. I remember 2 years ago when the Suns reminded me how much I loved basketball. They show flashes of that style now and then, but they have easily been eclipsed by the GSWs as my favorite non DC based team.

Random Celebrity Endorsement of the Week

"A.M.C.O.T is out-muscling and out-hustling the competition and definitely beginning to percolate!" - Walt 'Clyde' Frazier, NBA Great

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Congress looking into new Miguel Tejada testimony

Congress is looking into new testimony from Miguel Tejada that he never played Major League Baseball, rather he has spent the last 13 years as a corn farmer in Missouri. Federal Officials state there is an ongoing investigation.

A Day in the Life: Christian Laettner Edition

10:23am - iHome alarm goes off to the tune of Relax by Frankie Goes to Hollywood

10:28am - After listening to entire song Christian gets out of bed slips on his Duke slippers and heads to the kitchen for breakfast.

10:50am - Sits at the kitchen table by himself indulging in his freshly prepared Blueberry pancakes....or as he likes to call them 'Duke BlueDevilBerry Pancakes' (usually followed by a hearty chuckle)

11:30am - Sits in tub for his daily bath...."Rubber ducky your the throw inbounds passes perfectly to me so i can make NCAA tournament games lots of fun"

12:30pm - Calls Grant Hill's cell phone and leaves a message.... "Hey Grant it's me, Christian, Christian Laettner. Hope all is well with you. Just want to let you know that I just went to Sports Authority yesterday and bought one of them adjustable basketball hoops for my backyard, ya know the ones that go from 7 feet to 10 feet. If your up to it and you want to swing by today and practice throwing some inbounds passes to me please feel free, I'll be home all day. Just come right in if you come i'll leave the door open for you....I mean the door is always open for my buddy Grant. Tell your wife Tamia I said hello...::hums 'stranger in my house'::....."

3:45pm - "....'Pop quiz tell me where we first kissed, tell me where my spot is, tell me if I liked it, loved it'....Thats a great song Grant, she's a talented girl. I Doubt she can throw an inbounds passlike you but ::giggles:: I mean few people can....ok so I guess I rambled on enough. So maybe i'll see you later, I got two Duke mini basketball's waiting if you come....peace out"

3:46pm-7:16pm - Sits by window waiting for Grant Hill to come over. "I guess he's not coming, let me see if anything good is on TV"...

7:17pm - 11:07pm - Watches the shot from 1992 against Kentucky on a repetative loop while numbing his pain with Peach Schnapps.

11:10pm - Kisses his framed Dream Team photo goodnight and sets it on his night stand...."Goodnight Chuck, goodnight MJ, goodnight Admiral, goodnight Glide, goodnight Mailman, goodnight Patrick, goodni...." :::falls fast to sleep awaiting another glorious day.......

Part 2 of an 8 part series: Inanimate objects I would like to have sex with

For years and years I have heard about the wonders of High Definition Television. I scoffed at everyone, as I saw no difference between my regular TV and HDTV. On Tuesday, I procured my HDTV and I have entered a fantastic world of colors, sounds and sports.

Hockey and Basketball, the two I’ve seen so far, are fantastic. I can only imagine how badass the two football games will be on Sunday. My Xbox looks absolutely surreal. I’m getting a hard-on just thinking about it. Wait a second… porn in HD?! There is a God… Thank you, Tom Jones.

Regular channels in comparison to HD programming are like night and day. I finally understand what the fuss was all about. I look at this TV in awe.

The truth is, it’s just a TV, but it makes me feel like more of a man… like pretending I know how to operate power tools or what an 8-cylinder engine does. Actually, I don’t know much man shit at all… What the hell is torque? I’m know more about Bjork than I know about torque.

None-the-less, women don’t want men who know about cars… they don’t want cool hair, big muscles, big… other stuff… they want men with an HDTV. They don’t care if they drive a ’93 Pontiac… they don’t care that he lives with his parents or that he works retail…

All that matters? If he owns an HDTV… it’s on

2008 Mock NFL Draft- Round 1

Disclaimer: All Player Profiles link directly to the draft coverage at; they have done some excellent work there! Thanks guys!

1. Miami Dolphins - Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU
Parcells will make all the calls for the first draft. Dorsey at 6-1 310, is the top rated defense player in the draft. However, he is similar to Dwayne Robertson (physically) coming out of college. He penetrates well in the 2 technique in the 4-3. Not sure if he is built for the 3-4 nose tackle technique. He needs to improve his strength and avoid nagging injuries. Can he handle double teams and use his hands to disengage blockers in the NFL will be the major question. He has a great motor and leadership skills.
However, do not be surprised if Bill trades down a couple spots to pick up additional picks later in the draft. He could easily drop 5 spots and still pick up an essential piece to the rebuilding process.

2. St. Louis Rams - Jake Long, OT, Michigan
St. Louis has many areas where they need to improve. Defense was porous and the offensive line couldn’t stop a elderly woman. Chris Long at DE is a good pick but he is not a true end in the 4-3. St. Louis needs to solidify the offensive line and become the greatest show on Turf again. Protecting Steven Jackson and Marc Bulger should be the key for the Rams success next year. If Pace can come back healthy next year, in addition to Long, ST. Louis should improve in the NFC West.
Long is better than Gallery coming out of college and has more of the physical tools to be a dominating force on the line. If Pace can come back healthy, they can move Long to RT, plus move Alex Baron (RT, 1st Rd Florida St.) to Guard. This would give St. Louis a versatile line, which could protect Bulger.

3. Oakland Raiders - Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas °
Note: as per the NFL, the Raiders will end up with either the #3 or #4 overall pick in the draft.
McFadden is a rare talent who has incredible potential as a pro. Lamont Jordan obviously in not the answer in Oakland and has already said he wants out and Derrick Rhodes played very well coming back from his suspension. Oakland has many holes but, can you pass on a Franchise back, even in this is very deep running back draft, when history has shown that you can find a capable back later in the draft. If I were Oakland I would try to trade back a couple spots and pick up more pieces to rebuild around. Warren Sapp retirement will hurt more than people think. He was an important piece of the Defense.

4. Atlanta Falcons - Matt Ryan, QB, Boston College
Note: Atlanta could pick as high as #3 or as low as #5.
The Falcons will take a QB in the first round to firmly put the Vick saga behind them, once the coaching situation is solidified that is. If they choose Ryan in the first round, I would make a trade for Pennington or another Veteran who could captain the ship until Ryan is ready to take the reins. It has been proven that grooming your QB is better than throwing him directly into the fire.

5. Kansas City Chiefs - Ryan Clady, OT, Boise State °
Note: the Chiefs will pick at either #4 or #5.
The Chiefs offensive line has lost a lot of stars in the last three years due to retirement. It is time for the team to rebuild the line to protect Larry Johnson and give a young quarterback time in the pocket. Clady is a reach this high in the draft, but you cannot pass on offensive linemen who can potentially upgrade your offense, quickly. Clady has good footwork but needs a little more polishing. He could learn a lot from the veterans but he should be battle tested quickly. He will struggle in pass protection but should be able to lead the way in the running game. Can he handle the speed of the NFL will be key to his success. He also needs to work on his core strength to help his balance.

6. New York Jets - Chris Long, DE, Virginia
The Jets will continue with a 3-4 base defense, utilizing hybrid packages for situational defense. Therefore the Jets need a versatile player. *NOW PAGING CHRIS LONG*. Virginia is one of the very few college programs that employ the 3-4 defenses. Former Jets coach Al Grogh's system will allow Long to contribute immediately. The Jets 3-4 DEs played well (Shaun Ellis / Kenyon Coleman) however, the Jets did not pressure the quarterback as often as they would have liked. They could use Long and Coleman as the base DEs and use Ellis as the Rush end. Ellis was very successful this year when used in the Rush position. Sadly, Bryan Thomas did not continue to build on his successful 2006 season so an upgrade in the rush position is needed. This will increase the Teams DL depth and allow players to stay fresh and use multiple packages. Honestly, the Jets need a true 3-4 Nose tackle. Dorsey would be a perfect fit but there is no way he will drop to the 6th spot and I do not see the jets moving up to the number# 1 spot. Long is a leader and high character player the Jets seek. With this pick and the emergence of David Harris and Darrelle Revis, the Jets Defense should be a lot better next year.

7. New England Patriots (from 49ers) - Dan Connor, LB, Penn State
He is a tough middle linebacker who is the epitome of the Penn State Linebacker mold. He is a smart player and hard hitter. The Patriots aging linebacker corps will look different next year. Seau will most likely retire, especially if they win a ring this year. It’s unfair that the potential Super Bowl Champions will have a top 10 pick in the draft. Fans in San Francisco must be ready to jump off a pier by now. They could have used this pick on a Franchise QB or Defensive help. The Pats will most likely trade down in the draft to obtain more picks to replace aging players. They will most likely not stay in the 7 spot due to the salary cap hit. They have few needs for immediate help, so why pay a rookie $16 million in guarantees.

8. Baltimore Ravens - Brian Brohm, QB, Louisville
Even though I disagree with the drafting a quarterback with a high pick I can not see B’more going in any other direction. They have no option unless you think that Troy Smith will be a true NFL QB. Brohm is polished and could use a year of seasoning before being thrown into the fire. Baltimore could also stand to upgrade at WR. It is also time to find Ray Lewis’ Replacement. The Ravens will have to be creative with Brohm’s contracts or they will be in Cap Space trouble in 2009. 2008 will most likely be Ray Lewis last year in Baltimore. GM Ozzie Newsome probably has a LB that he is scouting from a D-1AA school no one has ever heard of and will be their starting MLB in 2009.

9. Cincinnati Bengals - Sedrick Ellis, DT, USC
Marvin Lewis needs to look in the mirror and figure out where did his Defense knowledge go after he left Washington and Baltimore. Let the offense coordinator take hold of the offense and focus purely on Defense and Team Chemistry. With TJ Whosyourmama a legit #1 receiver and IF Chris Henry can stay off the show Cops, he is a legit # 2 receiver. It might be time to trade Chad Johnson for a High Character Defense player who can be a leader on the team. Maybe offer there number #1 Draft pick or Chad Johnson to the jets for Vilma? Lewis announced on ESPN, Chad Johnson will not be traded.

10. New Orleans Saints - Mike Jenkins, CB, USF
Has anyone seen Jason David play this year for NO? If not you are lucky He has been burned by more receivers than Paris Hilton has burned men. Mike Jenkins is a big time player who will be a force in the league. Antoine Cason from Arizona could also go in this pick, or even Aqib Talib from Kansas. Drafting a running back in this draft also makes sense for the Saints. It is becoming evident that Reggie Bush will only be a glorified 3rd down back. They should use Bush much how the Jets use Leon Washington and draft a running back in the later rounds who can be an everydown back. (Ray Rice or Jonathon Stewart).

11. Buffalo Bills – Frank Okam, DT, Texas
The Buffalo Bills played well above expectations in 2007 due mainly to better than expected contributions at QB, RB, and from their young defense. To prevent a dip in productivity next season, Buffalo needs to continue to compliment their defense. By shoring up the D-line they will be able to compete with the better teams in the AFC. He is a bull rusher who uses leverage to collapse the pocket. He needs to develop more inside moves and continue to work hard in the gym. Stamina has always been an issue for Okam.

12. Denver Broncos - Kenny Phillips, FS, Miami °
It is time to find Jon Lynch’s replacement at Safety. Phillips will be a playmaker right away. He has great range and is not afraid to lay the lumber. He does not have Lynch’s awareness, however, he will make up for his gaffes with his physical ability and closing speed. Champ Bailey should take him under his wing and show him how to be a ball hawking safety. Another choice in this spot could be his University of Miami teammate Calais Campbell, Denver needs a Rush end who can also play the run.

13. Carolina Panthers - Vernon Gholston, DE, Ohio State °
What happened to the their Defense? The D-line has regressed in the last two years. Its time to bring new blood into the equation, they need to stop the run better. They could also go middle line backer in this situation. Dan Morgan will never be the player he could have been. Gholston stock will drop or rise quickly depending on his combine numbers. He needs to work on his footwork and shedding blocks.

14. Chicago Bears - Andre Woodson, QB, Kentucky
Quarterback is a major need, but can Andrew Woodson deliver accurate bullets through the Chicago wind? Their top receiver, Bernard Berrian, may be leaving via free agency, so there will be a need for a speedy wide receiver later in the draft. There will be solid round 2 and 3 WR in this draft. Some people question Woodson’s decision skills but I think he is a good leader and understands how to read defenses. He plays in the SEC where the CBs are fast and physical. He has a good arm but he needs to work on his release point and timing. Chicago also needs a running back. It is more than clear that Cedric Benson is not the answer at running back.

15. Detroit Lions - Antoine Cason, CB, Arizona
The Lions weakness was in their defensive backfield. They lacked any playmakers to oppose the QBs in the NFC. Antoine Cason has seen his stock fall slightly since last year, but I think he is the most complete corner in the draft. He saw a lot of action playing in the Pac-10. I am curious to see how he will do playing run defense in the running dominated NFC North. Detroit has a solid front 4 who can get pressure on the QB, so Cason should have plenty opportunities of making play in the secondary. He opens his hips quickly and plays good press coverage.

16. Arizona Cardinals - Keith Rivers, LB, USC
Rivers is in the usual USC linebacker mold, tough, quick to the ball, good instincts and is prepared for reading complex offenses because of USC pro-style program. Has problems shedding big guards but he is always in the right place at the right time. He is a great tackler and will make a difference on the Cardinals defense. He needs to work on his first step when reading plays but he should be a solid linebacker in the league.

17. Minnesota Vikings – Aquib Talib, CB, Kansas
Aquib, 6-2 202 big time CB would be perfect fit for the Vikings Defense. The Vikings were stout against the run but gave up big plays in the secondary. Aquib will give them a physical corner that will be able to slow down the Green Bay or Detroit’s big time receivers. He has quick hips and has great range on the ball. He went against some big time receivers in the BIG 12 who will be playing on Sundays next year.

18. Houston Texans - Rashard Mendenhall, RB, Illinois (declared for the draft) °
Big time playmaker who makes quick decisions and burst through the hole. He has great hands and deceptive speed. He knows how to find a crease and make people miss. He is my pick for Rookie of the year. He will fit in perfectly with the Texans-by-way-of-Denver running scheme. He is versatile and in my opinion the number 2 running back in the draft. He runs well between the tackle and has the speed to stretch the field on zone blocking plays.

19. Philadelphia Eagles - Calais Campbell, DE, Miami °
One rule about the Eagles… 9 times out of 10 in they will select a big, physical lineman in the first round. In this situation they will pick Campbell, a slightly underperforming, physical specimen out of “Da U”. With the right coaching Campbell is perfect for the Eagles and Jim Johnson’s complicated defensive schemes. He will replace “the Freak” Javon Kearse who will must likely be released by the Eagles due to his high cap figure and low production. At 6’8”, he will limit the passing window when rushing the QB. With his wingspan he will help limit passes in the short zone to his side of the field. He will need to develop leg strength to make headway against the league’s bigger tackles. (Possible defensive rookie of the year).

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Kentwan Balmer, DT, North Carolina
Balmer might seem like a reach at this point, but he will do well in the combine and shoot up draft boards. DTs are always a premium and this year the pool is especially shallow. He has a good base and knows how to use leverage. Questionable work ethic but he has a good motor when he turns it on. He needs to work on his stamina and use his hands better in the trenches. He will do well in the 4-3 Cover 2 defense. He would be a good addition to Gaines Adams who made considerable strides late in the season. Derrick Brooks only has a year or two left in the tank, so he would benefit greatly from having a big DT occupy the interior offensive linemen in front of him. He will not be the next Warren Sapp, but he should be a solid DT with good coaching.

21. Washington Redskins - Derrick Harvey, DE, Florida °
Washington needs to develop a serious pass rush in 2008. They barely touched quarterbacks this year. They need someone who can rush off the end and make plays on the quarterback. Harvey can dominate the line of scrimmage or disappear for long stretches. He needs to develop more power moves and learn how to use his hands to disengage from blocks. He often uses a pure speed rush to get the QB, but that will not cut it in the NFL. He needs to work on a spin move and duck penetration move similar to Dwight Freeney’s repertoire. Washington is in serious cap trouble in 2008, so do not be surprised to see them deal this pick to relieve some financial stress.

22. Dallas Cowboys (from Cleveland) – Terrel Thomas, CB, USC
One could argue the Cowboys could use another receiver / returner such as DeSean Jackson from Cal, but the true Achilles heel for the Dallas has been their secondary. They need another CB who can help protect against the long ball. Roy Williams is a liability in the secondary so they need corners that can play on the island.

23. Pittsburgh Steelers - Sam Baker, OT, USC
Baker is a versatile talent who could fill a number of offensive line spots. The Steelers might have to replace two starting offensive linemen. The Steelers had a good year but they gave up too much pressure on Ben Rothlisberger. Sam Baker played in a pro-style offense at USC and should be prepared to play right away. I hope he has his lunch pail and is ready to work hard in the trenches. His Left knee should be at 100%, by the combine.

24. Tennessee Titans - Limas Sweed, WR, Texas
Sweed is a reach at this spot in the draft, but it is no secret that Young lost confidence in his receivers this season. Adding Sweed can help Young’s development by adding a receiver who Young has chemistry, confidence, and experience playing with (Texas). When Young is improvising, Sweed can use his size to provide him with a big target. He needs to work on his route running and conditioning, and he will have trouble against bigger, more physical corners. He also needs to learn how to use his body to shield away defenders to help be in the best position to make catches. The Titans like to run the ball so it is important Sweed improves his blocking technique.

25. Seattle Seahawks - Early Doucet, WR, LSU
I was not impressed with Doucet, but LSU receivers have done well in the league of late, a la Bowe (Kansas City). Sources say Doucet has better hands and can make more catches in traffic, than Bowe. He should do well in Seattle. Also look for the Seahawks to make a move with Shaun Alexander and look to draft Jonathon Stewart (Oregon), Ray Rice (Rutgers), or Mendenhall if he slides this deep.

26. New York Giants – Ali HighSmith , OLB , LSU
The Giants two glaring weaknesses are at linebacker and defensive tackle. Giants linebackers lack physical, playmaker ability, and with their depth at DE, the Giants could use some athletic presence to help against the run, and in the flats. With good young playmakers emerging in the secondary, and a shallow pool of defensive tackles in this draft, Jerry Reese would probably be best suited with a guy like Ali Highsmith. While Highsmith is a bit undersized, he is an athlete, and, if nothing else, would add considerable depth and be an immediate impact guy in their already excellent special teams unit.

27. Jacksonville Jaguars - Reggie Smith, CB, Oklahoma *
Playing in the AFC South it is necessary that the Jags continue to build their secondary. They need physical CBs to play against big time receivers like Andre Johnson and Reggie Wayne. Jacksonville has a stout front 7 so adding a corner back makes a lot of sense. Also look for a sleeper pick such as Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie from Tennessee St.

28. San Diego Chargers – Erin Henderson, OLB, Maryland
The Chargers do not have picks in the 2nd, 3rd & 4th rounds, so it is crucial that they get the most possible value out of this 1st round selection. They could use help solidifying their linebacker corps, and Erin Henderson out of Maryland could fit their system well. They could also use a playmaking safety or receiver, although Vincent Jackson’s development at WR this post season makes that a lesser need. Henderson will add depth to the team and improve their special teams. He is a smart linebacker who knows how to play in space. He struggles in coverage but has good instincts. He has a knack for making big plays when needed.

29. Dallas Cowboys – Mario Manningham, WR, Michigan
Terry Glenn will be gone next year and Patrick Crayton is in Jerry Jones dog house for his big mouth and low production against the Giants. I believe Adrian Arrington, his teammate at Michigan, will be the better NFL receiver however, Manningham runs crisp routes, displays great hands, and knows how to create separation against high level defenders (Ohio St, Wisconsin, Oregon, Penn St., and Florida). He will be a great option in the slot for Dallas. I could also see them trying to add a safety to compliment Roy Williams.

30. San Francisco 49ers (from Indianapolis) - Malcolm Kelly, WR, Oklahoma °
It is no question Norv Turner leaving killed the offense. I wouldn’t let Jim Hostler be the offense coordinator for my madden team. The receiving corps needs a major upgrade and Vernon Davis needs to step up now (late season production aside). With Mike Martz coming onboard as the new offensive coordinator, the 49ers will target a receiver. I could also see DeSean Jackson from Cal falling to this spot and playing the slot receiver in the new Mike Martz offense (Shaun McDonald anyone)? The 49ers lack a homerun threat on offense, and he could provide a spark at both slot receiver and kick returner. The Niners could also use a DT or a Playmaker safety.

31. Green Bay Packers – Pat Sims, DT, Auburn
With Brett Farve not looking like he will retire, and Ryan Grant plugging their immediate need at RB, the Packers would be best served by adding to their defensive front. GB has good ends and linebackers, and an excellent defensive backfield, so adding a stout DT will allow AJ Hawk and the DE’s more space to make plays, especially in the running game. Pat Sims will occupy the OG/C allowing the linebackers to scrape freely off the line of scrimmage. Sims could gain a little muscle weight and needs to work on his stamina, but he has a solid motor.

32. New England Patriots - FORFEITED

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man-iac

Though it be a bit late, I'd like to provide a background to this Motley crew of contributors that I hope to have titillate, excite, amuse, sadden, and inform you from now until the rapture cometh.


Born in the African Savanah, Mr. IMHO first traveled to America on a ship full of hostile, but small European immigrants.

Upon arriving in the states, he immediately took up residence in the sewers of New York City, where he came into contact with four small turtles and a green vial of liquid that transformed him into the stunning beauty that you see here.

Having decided to cease fighting against his irreversible sexy curse, Mr. IMHO gathered a small group of miscreants whose genius is only outweighed by the sheer immensity of their reproductive organs, yes even the ladies.

Not fashioned as a leader in any respect, Mr. IMHO (In My Humble Opinion) has decided to dedicate his life to the dissemination of crucial, and not so crucial information.

Below we have footage of the birth of Mr. IMHO


Having long ago decided to either destroy the corrupt world around her, or die trying, this vegetable murdering, gun toting, beauty shoots from the hip and never misses.

Her decision to eat only that which has never had blood pumped through its veins stems from witnessing as a child the horrible mutilation of her family at the hands of a rogue gang of broccolis.

Vegannramember's mother, moments
after her senseless murder.
When will we learn?
After gaining revenge, the young militant finally settled in the streets of New York City. Being a poor law student forced her to relocate to the sewers where she became an acquaintance of Mr. IMHO. The rest is history.


Having emerged from the d$Manor after a twelve year hiatus, d$ was shocked at the state of the world around him. Determined to bleed this land for all it was worth, d$ has set out on a highlander journey of adventure and excitement, leaving his high profile,
socialite existence behind him.

d$ has transcended the needs and wants of a normal person, becoming more powerful than one could ever imagine, relinquishing the use of his body to become a being of pure energy.

d$ answers to a higher power. Higher than your boss, higher than your wife, higher than your daddy. His lord and savior, Tom Jones, often requires a sacrifice. Do not be surprised to see d$ chewing on young, pink, and bald flesh of #& year old hooch. His Lord & Savior demands it.

The Hitman

Born into the world as Chris Childs in the late 1960's this college basketball phenom attended Boise St University, Mordor campus, where he majored in heavy machinery and played basketball. After only six years of playing basketball, he left Mordor and entered the NBA draft.

After 11 years of inactivity, mostly spent under-dressed in a luxury suite. He was subbed into a game against the LA Lakers. Full of electricity and energy, Childs ran directly to young phenom Kobe Bryant and double tapped him on the chin. Kobe has been known to still rub the spot gingerly.

After being tortured for some time by David Stern, Childs vanished into the Bolivian rainforest, along with the antagonist from James Bond: American Negro.

The pristine Bolivian rainforest.

Several years after his disappearance, he re-emerged from the wilderness, a dangerous and changed man. The Hitman was born.

Shady Paz

Look at that bling. Look at that hair. God this man makes my nipples hard...and I'm not even a homo. I once saw Shady Paz take candy from a baby. When the baby began to sob, Paz struck the baby across the face with the back of his hand. He was wearing the same ring that Daryl Strawberry used on his ex-wife.

The baby cried louder, until Shady raised an eyebrow. Then the baby stopped crying. The baby apologized for crying. The baby gave Shady his mother's phone number....

His mother was eternally grateful.

Here we have some footage of Shady Paz during his vacation to Russia


This is his house, acquired with a first time home owner's loan. He lives inside. He enjoys his time inside. He keeps it clean. I am envious.

This sport's reporter has a knack for getting the inside scoop on things....more on this later.

While watching that George Clooney-narrated documentary about Darfur, it occurred to me that problems are in the eye of the beholder.

I'm 23, battling a chronic illness, working a shitty job that requires most of a law degree but pays worse than a janitorial position (no joke...I know this because I play on the janitor's intramural basketball team)...I'm about to graduate law school and completely unsure where to live and work...I'm heartbroken...blah, blah, blah.

The people of Darfur have been bombed, hacked-up, raped, starved, and ignored by the hundreds of thousands for decades. I mean...dismembered and/or charred bodies all over the place. The international community doesn't give a fuck, and there's no real end in sight for them.

But does that make me feel fortunate? Nope. My problems still seem crushing.

And to a disgustingly wealthy close friend of mine, his problems (most recently, he thought the housekeeper at the Ritz-Carlton in New Orleans, where he flew to drop thousands of dollars on a ticket to this year's boring BCS championship game, went through his luggage and stole a sweater) are just as bad as mine and those of those poor bastards in Darfur.

Just saying.

P.S. If you want to waste Mitt Romney's campaign cash AND harass your friends and family simultaneously, you can arrange to have Mitt Romney's recorded voice call them to solicit donations and speak out against such things as "radical jihad". Rrrrrright here.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Attention anyone with a womb: Tom Brady wants to impregnate you!

3 Superbowl Victories, 50 TD passes, 1 wonderfully cleft chin....

These are all very important numbers in the life of a one Mr. Tom Brady.....but none of these numbers can compare to his ultimate goal.......

"Yea, I would love to give Travis Henry and Shawn Kemp a run for their money. Hell, I'd love to completely blow them out of the water. Imagine this cleft chin on at least 3 babies in each state. Except maybe Alabama of course, a guy has got to draw the line somewhere."

We approached Shawn Kemp outside a local TGI Fridays and told him about Brady's goals, he had this to say to Tom......

"I tell ya what, the Reign Man's got alot of respect for Mr. Tom Bradley's quest to sperm the nation from coast to coast. I'm proud to be a trailblazer of womb fertilizing. I've sprayed this great nation with my libido and I gladly pass the torch to Tom and wish him the best of luck. What time is it? what? 2:50? Oh Lordy...Sorry to cut this short guys but I need to get to the bank before they close. Need to make sure I have enough in my checking account for the 13 child support checks....."

We were also lucky enough to run into Travis Henry at Stop & Shop stocking up on 42 bags of chewy chips ahoy. We asked him how he felt about Tom's quest.

Reenactment of a Henry family gathering

"16-0, a perfect season huh Tom? Well how about 9 kids with 9 different women?...booyah!"

In the end Tom Brady may fall short of his ultimate goal of impregnating the entire Eastern Seaboard, but you can't blame the man for trying.

"I've been awesome at everything else I've tried....bass fishing....scuba diving...hoola's strongest man competitions (See you next year Magnus Ver Magnusson....bitch).....I even won 3 straight seasons of Big Brother on CBS. If anyone can achieve their goals it's me, and I won't stop until my seed is in 76% of this country. That you can guaran-damn-tee. Attention everyone, if you have a womb I will impregnate it! Now if you'll excuse me I have to go do my Kegal exercises...."

Why I Love OJ Simpson

You remember that scene right?

OJ in the white bronco. Al Cowlings at the wheel. Police officers slowly following him on the highway. I know you remember. OJ basically leading the officers back to his house and asking to get a glass of Orange Juice before he was taken to the station. (Common Sense: Obviously The Hitman doesn't condone needless murder)

Why do I love OJ Simpson, besides the fact that he played Nordberg excellently in the Naked Gun series...but with that slow speed chase he made one of my numerous birthday parties memorable. I was born on June 20th, but for some reason that year we had a sleepover party after one of my little league baseball games, on June 17th 1994. Picture the scene: Bunch of kids in the kitchen devouring pizza. My dad flips on the Knicks game (ha the knicks were semi relevant then) and minutes later it's pre empted for the wonderful slow speed chase. The kids were transfixed around the TV all night, even while most of them had zero idea who OJ Simpson was. That's why I love OJ, he made a non descript preteen birthday memorable. I still have people bringing that up years later.

Who cares that hes going to go to jail on a make up charge for murder.

He gave me a memorable birthday dammit!

Part 1 of an 8 part series: Inanimate objects I would like to have sex with

Dear Sasha,

You are so much more than just a George Foreman Lean Mean Grilling Machine to me; you are a part of me. Let’s not play games, baby… I have to get right to the point.

The fact that I made burgers frozen in the cold of winter in you tonight is a dream I never dared dream; you made heaven a reality… with beef. But that’s not all your capable, sweetheart.

You crisp bacon to perfect. You grill hot dogs like a wave of orgasmic pleasure. Chicken breasts are the only set of lovely ta-tas I need with you in my life… topped with barbeque sauce and the joint love between man and machine.

What more are you capable of? Is it selfish of me to even ask? You’ve given me so much already. Dare I try to grill a cheese sandwich between your warm, ridged thighs? I wonder if I can make a smore on your slanty bottom…

…All I know, Sasha, is that you give to me so much more than any woman could ever provide me… you give me food without words. Should every man be so lucky.


Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The Rice Family: A Tale of Lust, Love, Lies, and Retribution

The Rice Family

A tale of lust, love, and retribution

Christina Rice: Oh shit the door! Get off-a-me and get in the closet!
Alberto Perez: Que? En el armario? Cual es?
Christina Rice: Just get in there you greasy prick!

Glen Rice: ::Shouting from downstairs:: Ey trick, daddy's hoo-ome! Whatya fine ass got fer me?
::Heavy thuds as the overweight former all-star climbs the stairs slowly::

Christina Rice: Oh hey baby, I was just layin here, you know, thinkin about you! You look so strong today baby!

Glen Rice: ::Breathing Heavily:: Yeah baby! I was pumping it up a bit earlier at the gym. But now I'm ::sniffs the air suspiciously::

Glen Rice: 'Ey bitch you smell dat? I know that smell!
Christina Rice: Gulp, I don't smell anything honey, maybe you just hungry?
Glen Rice: Naw I know that smell. Sheeeit, I was smellin that in da Hol-i-day Inn laaast night. I smell.... P'DUSSY!

::Glen Storms throughout the bed room, tearing open shades, glaring at his wife::

Glen Rice: Bitch! Why it smell like p'dussy in here when big daddy been at tha swap meet all day!? Is you trickin on me?
Christina Rice: Wait whatchu mean at the effing Holiday Inn...when was your ass at the Holiday Inn?
Glenn Rice: ::Suddenly realizing his mistake, Glen relaxes a bit:: Girl don't be talkin no bullshit now woman! That ain't even the point
Alberto Perez: ::Muffled, from the closet:: Si, esta verdad!
Christina Rice: Ain't the point!? Ain't the point!? Get out of MY House! Go and trick wit all your lil skeezers fake as nukka!
Alberto Perez: ::Muffled, from the closet:: Hay Dios Mio!!!
Glen Rice: Bitch, you'd best be puttin' that vase down! That shit wasn't cheap now ya hear!

::Moving with surprising fluidity for a big man, Glen manages to duck out of the way of the flying ceramic::

Glen Rice: Now you done did it, I'm a call tha police!
Alberto Perez: ::Muffled, from the closet:: Hay Dios mio! La policia!

::Suddenly, Glen seems to realize that the couple are not alone in the room::

Glen Rice: Ey woman! Who tha f*ck is in this here closet?
Christina Rice: ::Covers her mouth in fear:: No Glen don't!
::Glen Rice yanks the closet door open::
Alberto Perez: ::Still in the closet but no longer muffled:: Hay dios mio...
Get the real story here

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Congratulations Jessica Simpson

Sorry, but that is what you get for mixing celebretainment into my football. Jesus tore down the temple for merging with commerce, I have yet to decide upon the punishment for watering down my religion with filth.

Congratulations to Eli Manning. This might be the worst thing that could have ever happened to the New York Giants, now Tom Coughlin will definitely get a multi-year contract extension, and he is the definition of a mediocre head coach whose team succeeded in a ....www..wwait Eli's talking! Tiki are you watching, HEY TIKI!!! Man, someone should fire an English teacher or two down in New Orleans, hell chances are they already drowned ::blink blink::too soon?

TV Viewing Bulletin:

1: I still can't find any reliable torrents of The Wire, so I'm still waiting until after midnight to see episode 3.

2: Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles premiers in roughly 2 minutes, it looks interesting, more on that later.
801pm: The police do not roughhouse white women like that.
803pm: Where did he get those uzis? He whipped 'em out like a video game! I mean seriously, one second he unloaded a shotgun into the front of the cruiser, then the next shot he was holding two uzis. He pulled off that switch faster than the guy in the Pizza Hut ad changes clothing
805: OZ character alert! Dean Winters - Ryan O'Reilly

808: "Half an hour, one bag, plus the guns, I'll make pancakes" Damn this show might just make it!
816: Serenity rocked! (Summer Glau as the fem-inator)
820: Yes I wish I had a Terminator for a teacher! And he's got a sense of humor! ("Class dismissed, LOL)...this is why you've gotta love FOX, they fear no Columbine reprisal and they've got an anti-Italian Family Guy up next! I would pay to develop a show where people got the chance to punch John Cougar Mellancamp in the face, and I fully expect it to air on FOX.
829: First phone call from "The Mayor" to talk about the show. Nobody knows I'm keeping a running diary of this show yet, thanks Bill Simmons!
836: Mrs. Connor is spunky as fuck...I don't get it. just cooperate with the Terminator bitch, right? It also turns out that she was Leonidas' wife in it all makes sense.
840: I am impressed with 1: the lack of forced comic relief 2: the minimalist approach to dialogue
842: She just drove up to the home of the man she allegedly killed? No issues, no problems? No friggin alarms? Eh, suspend the disbelief man!
844: Terminator's are historically suceptible to being hit by cars...I must remember this for when I fight the future.
849: "A needle and thread will slow the blood loss, do it now." Is this bitch Jack Bauer's dream woman or what!?
858: Drunk tough white boys...when will you learn?
900: Good first episode - I think all three characters are well cast. It's on the right channel for a good mix of sex and action. And with the writer's strike in full blast, there will be minimal distraction.


I have been watching television since roughly 1245 pm, uninterrupted. My head hurts, and my eyes are a little bloody-ish, but I've gotta be up on my media ya know. Plus, it was playoff football.

I think that the new Busch boy (Budweiser) reminds me a bit of Jim Dolan.
I want to see 10,000 BC

So let me get this straight, Hil is upset because Obeezy's camp mentioned that Bubba gave credit for the successful resolution of the Civil Rights movement to the Civil Rights legislature and NOT to Martin Luther King, Jr.


This is ooooouuuuur cooooouuuntry!

Meat N PotatoEs

Well, I've been on my back for an entire week with the flu. During this time I instigated a 936 reply email thread about race and identity in America. I squeezed off roughly three and a half shots of protein. I downed oodles and oodles of Nyquil, Tylenol, and TheraFlu (which makes you feel worse). I slept roughly 17 hours per day and finished three video games (the ending theme to Portal is hilarious).

I have 29 voicemails to listen to, 11 work related contacts to touch base with, and potentially 8 inches of snow to deal with. I have also been trying to generate more energy, but that is a work in progress. So apologies if I was missed at all this week, but the flu is no joke.
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