Friday, February 1, 2008

Just a little something to get you in the mood this weekend....

That guy is the how those "native american" chicks are all over his jock...

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Mild Throwback: R. Kelly "Real Talk"

This is very old, well not very old, but pretty old. However, after the Berman video today I was trying to remember what was the last video I had watched so many times in one day. This was the winner.

A good question to ask is how far this sets black people back.


Chris Berman Loses It

Courtesy of Deadspin

Retro Video Game Review: Paperboy

Justice...Thine name is Paperboy

1988 was the year that the epic story of the Paperboy was finally immortalized in all it's digital glory for the Nintendo Entertainment System. Developed by Atari and released for various game consoles in the 80's, the NES version was by far the most popular. Paperboy allowed kids to take command of the dangerous world that is the life of a paperboy. The object of the game was to deliver papers to all the subscribers and vandalize the non-subscribers (teaching them a valuable lesson that continuing to not subscribe to the paper would leave them open to daily attacks) while avoiding the dangerous conditions of the street. If you damaged a subscribers house they would immedietly cancel their subscription. The only way to win them back was by impressing the neighborhood with a perfect route of 100% delivery accuracy (or pitching a perfect game as the local paperboys refer to it, ask one the next time you see him.. they'll tell you)

The world of the Paperboy was littered with danger though. From remote control cars to dogs the streets where not safe for the Paperboy. Some of the other threats to your route included crazy women with knives, bees, fire hydrants, break dancers (the windmill is a deadly weapon a paperboy must avoid at all costs), cars, skateboarders, tricyclists, construction workers, drunks, a mini tornado, the Grim Reaper, and the most dangerous of them all.......curbs. Once faced with a curb the Paperboy would crumble into a heap on the sidewalk never to be seen again (unless you had more lives then you would just restart the level).

The best part of the game was at the end of each day's routes the town you lived in had a convienient training course where you would leap off ramps, avoid sliding doors, and test your paper throwing acccuary with various hoops. A successful run would give you extra papers for the next days route as well as bonus points and extra lives.

The Paperboy's own brand of justice for those who chose not to subscribe to the paper was brutal and efficient. Broken windows were the least of their problems once the Paperboy was done with them. People would be forced to subscribe just to rid themselves of the daily torture that the paperboy would rain upon them. The Paperboy was extremely serious about his job....deadly serious.

One of the things I always questioned as a kid was when the Paperboy would collide with an object or a person, who he actually die or was he just injured? It would be alot more exciting if a poorly controlled remote control car operated by an 8 year old could actually kill a paperboy. Either way Paperboy was an exciting game that finally gave credit to the little guy.....the Paperboy.

Backcourt Violations

(Caption: Yes I posted about the GSW game just so I could use this outstanding picture)

Minnesota 83, Chicago 67

I wan't to propose a new rule. If you can't score at least 70 points in a game, you automatically start the next game down 15 points. It's embarrassing that an NBA team could only score 67 points in a game. Never mind the fact they were playing an NBA Junior Varsity squad last night. Chicago needs to make a trade right now. Gut the team, don't inflate the value of Deng and Gordon.

Cleveland 84, Portland 83

I think Brandon Roy is an excellent basketball player. But LeBron James is the best basketball player in the NBA. Fools use the Kobe argument (save it). Bron Bron hit the game winner with 0.9 on the clock.

Golden State 116, New Orleans 103

Another gem from Chris Paul (MVP!), but when Bdavis and Stephen Jackson want to win a game, they are going to win said game. Hopefully the addition of notorious malcontent Chris Webber won't hurt them too much. 4 Hornets players put up double doubles, and they still come out with a loss. Can someone explain what GSW needs Webber for?

Utah 100, New York 89

You know things are bad when you lose two starters (Eddy Curry and Quentin Richardson) to the infamous "flu-like symptoms" and thats the main reason this game was closer than it should have been. You should also realize that any time I have the chance to poke a stick at the dead, lifeless hump that is the New York Knicks, I'm going to do it.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

The Bastard Children of Hip Hop Vol 2 - Memphis Bleek

Making Easy Money Pimping Hoes In Style...Memphis Bleek. What in god's name? This entry really doesn't even require much more information. Bleek first appeared on Jay Z's premier album Reasonable Doubt, on the acclaimed track Coming of Age. Bleek set fire to the track, providing the perfect immature foil to Hov's more mature, dollar induced style of hustling. Recognizing the potential in the youngin' Hov stepped down from his narcotics founded pedestal to school the young up and comer. Berating him to focus on business and not bling, Bleek seemed to be taking a lesson not only on how to survive and thrive on the streets, but also as an artist.

Somewhere between then and now that message was lost.

Bleek's career has been an pointless mish-mash of forgettable commercial tracks interspersed with filler songs. In fact, on each of Bleek's four solo projects, the stand out verses came from guest artists. From Hov's verse on The Coming to the solo Jay Z track Dear Summer on 534, Bleek has been kept in the house more than Nas as a youth.

For some reason I picture Bleek sitting in one of Hov's various cribs, constantly rolling up like the weakest link in Beanie's crew in State Property I. If Jay Z had a bad day, I'm sure he struck out at Bleek on more than one occasion.

But nonetheless, Memphis Bleek has managed to avoid the fate of artists like Amil and Sauce Money, maybe due to his willingness to remain at 5'4" his entire life.

Coming of Age f Memphis Bleek
I'm out here slingin bringin the drama, tryin to come up
in the game and add a couple of dollar signs to my name
I'm out here servin disturbin the peace, life could be better
like my man reclined in plush leather seats
He's sellin weight, I'm sellin eight... balls
sixteen tryin to graduate to pushin quarters y'all
I ain't gon' sweat him I'ma let him come to me
If he give me the nod then these niggaz gon' see
I'm tired of bein out here round the clock
and breakin day, and chasin crackers up the block for my pay
I'm stayin fresh, so chickens check
I'm tryin to step up to the next level, pushin Vettes to the Jets
Diamonds reflect from the sun, directly in your equilibirum
and stunned I'm waitin for my day to come
I got the urge, to splurge, I don't wanna lifetime sentence
just give me the word


[JZ] Hey fella I been watchin you clockin
[MB] Who me holdin down this block it ain't nothin
You the man nigga now stop frontin
[JZ] Hahahh I like your style
[MB] Nah, I like YO' style
[JZ] Let's drive around awhile
[MB] Cool nigga
[JZ] Here's a thou'
[MB] A G? I ride witchu for free
I want the longterm riches and bitches
[JZ] Have it all; now listen to me
You let them other niggaz get the name, skip the fame
Ten thou' or a hundred G keep yo' shit the same
[MB] On the low?
[JZ] Yeah, the only way to blow
You let your shit bubble quietly
[JZ] Hey keep your cool
The only way to peep a fool is let him show his hand
Then you play your cards
[MB] Then he through dealin I understand
[JZ] Don't blow your dough on hotties
[MB] The only thing I got in this world is my word and my nuts
and won't break em for nobody!
[JZ] Hah, I like resume, pick a day, you can start
[MB] From now until death do us part...

Backcourt Violations

You'll take it when I give it to you, and like it.

Washington 108, Toronto 104, OT

So last year, Greg Ruffin inexplicably tossed the ball skyward with about 3 seconds remaining in the game Wizards leading by 3. Figuring a win was in the bag, he tossed the ball straight up to try to kill the clock. Sadly he didn't throw the ball high enough. Morris Peterson of the Raptors nabbed the ball out of mid air, and nailed a 3 pointer at the buzzer to send the game into an improbable OT. The Wizards were pretty much dead in the water at that point, and pretty much got blown out of overtime. Fast forward to last night. Wizards up 3, 1.8 seconds left on the clock, Toronto inbounding on Wizards half. Anthony Parker who to date is still only famous for being Candace Parker's older brother nails a 3 pointer off a curl play with two people in his face, at the buzzer. Somehow even without Caron Butler, they managed to hang on in overtime this time around. Who wants to play that Toronto team in the playoffs?

Boston 117, Miami 87

Kevin Garnett, and Ray Allen didn't play. Paul Pierce scored 7 points. AND THE HEAT STILL LOST BY 30!! If there was ever an argument for relegation to be brought to American professional sports, the Heat would be right in that argument. That's not an NBA team right now.

Seattle 88, San Antonio 85

No Tony Parker = bad loss to terrible team. Rookie wunderkind Kevin Durant hit the game winner (his second this season) and the Spurs took a loss. Seems they are signing Damon Stoudamire (how did Boston not make a run there) so Parker is probably more injured than they are letting on.

A break from rampant Mets fanboy-ism*

Don't look up, don't ever look up...

*Could be fake, but I don't care.

Ménage-a-Trois Fantasy Draft

Ménage-a-Trois Fantasy Draft hosted by the Mel Kiper Jr (Sans the hair), of Ménage A Trois Cleophus!

Are there Sexier Picks then mine, YES? Would someone have a different list, OF COURSE! But this is my BLOG so I put up what i want to put up! These are the women in order, I would love to have a Ménage-a-Trois with...

Welcome to the 2008 Ménage-a-Trois Fantasy Draft:

#10... Sally Richardson & Pam Grier (Mother daughter / Cougar Division)
This pick unites multiple generations of Black men -- those from the 70's thru 90's. . Between the two of them they have had sex with Many Black stars of the past... Jim Brown (mother) Deion Sanders (Daughter). -
#9... Laura London & Cassie (Fucked Puffy Division)
Laura London grew on me after the Movie ATL... Her BFF Cassie can't sing a lick but I am sure she knows how to lick, it's the only logical explanation for how she got a record deal. It is on public record that Puffy has Fu#ked the both of them..

#8... Michelle Rodriquez & Claudette Ortiz (City High) (Rice and Beans Division)
This is my all Latina pick of the draft. Michelle is not the sexiest Latina out there but there is something about her I love. I heard she only dates women but hey that adds to the fun of the hunt... I love girls who are in great shape plus she is tough as nails. She would enjoy me throwing her around the bedroom a little. Claudette Ortiz is like Rap music on my I-Touch, a throw back to the 90's. I loved this chick in High school and she will never leave my heart, if she comes to Harlem I'll get her City High!

#7... Paula Patton & Janet Jackson (Bi Chicks into S & M who do Coke)...
What you know about my COKE/S&M division. Paula does WHITE LINES, common knowledge, hell, her husband wrote a song about it. She is also bi (perfect for my draft)... Janet, is a freak! She would have been a top 5 pick but she dates JD (Lil Turd) and well she had to lose points for that.

#6... Allyson Felix & Serena Williams (I Want the condom to break so they can have my child division)... I am an advocate of safe sex however, in this case I want to go raw, in hopes to pull a "Tom Brady" and impregnate them both. Allyson is a multi-medal Olympian who is as fast as the wind and has a sexy body. Serena has a butta face but her body is sick and the the thought of bouncing quarters off her a$$ is too much to pass on. These two ladies are Physical specimens that will allow me to have a super athletic son. He would be a real life Universal Solider. Combining their DNA and my knowledge of sports, my sons will be First Round Draft picks in some sport!

#5... Jessica Alba & Jessica Biel (WHITE castle Division) This one would piss off Middle America. I would film this intense 3 way action, buy a bottle of Viagra and wear these young ladies out until the cows came home. The 4 hour film of hardcore action would make me millions on the web. White folks would be more upset at me then Obama winning the election. (Maybe not that mad)

#4... Angelina Jolie & Kim Kardashian (Freaks of Hollywood)
Angelina is just sexy and documented freak who likes to have sex with women. Kim Kardashian is a freak and likes to film her self having sex. This is a win win situation.. Angelina use to have a romper room in her house for crazy sexual encounters. Kim would have had a higher score but she slept with brandy's lil brother. *BRANDY's lil Brother*

#3... Gabrielle Union & Melinda Williams (best friends make best Ménage Partners division) This is my COCO night of love. These two young ladies have sexy chocolate skin and I have some Milk waiting for them. Thousands of kids will die from their stomach acid on this night of passion.

#2... Rosario Dawson & Alicia Keys (Two girls from the LES Division) Both girls are from the LES in NYC... I think I would have Alicia play the Piano while Rosario and I get the night started... I can see the weed smoke billowing in the back ground to give Rosario a flashback of KIDS and then have Alicia Keys rock her outfit from Smokin' Ace's and get the party started. Sorry I had to go 2 the bathroom, just the thought of this got me a little too excited!

#1... Halle Berry & Beyonce Knowles (Number 1 on every Black man’s list, except for David Justice, Wesley "I ain’t paying Taxes" Snipes, Spike Lee!
One's part deaf/crazy the other wears crazy wigs/weaves, but I love them both. What man would not want to be in this situation? The Grand Master of the KKK wouldn't even turn down this combination. Money, power, beauty-- it’s the ultimate combination. It’s like having a team with Jordan & Magic, Barry & Emmitt, Ruth & Bonds, Frosted Flakes & Milk... You just can not beat this combo... How much would you pay to see this threesome on Video? I don’t care if I look like Shrek, people would pay 500 dollars to see this Ménage in action. Obviously while filming this action packed film I would throw up the ROC just to see how it feels to be Jay-Z for a nut!

HONORABLE MENTION... I have no idea who this girl is but she is my Sub Alternate!

She is my Ace up the sleeve!!!! She is like Tony Romo, an undrafted free agent who will become a star.

The Monster is out of the cage!

Credit: for the picture

Live on Location from the Superbowl *

*Complete and utter falsehood

So yesterday was the much vaunted Superbowl media day. Years ago when it was just becoming cool to send one or two whack jobs down there to break up the monotony of beat reporters asking players the same questions they got asked every other week, it felt innovative. It was funny to see the people who didn't normally cover football, ask players non-football questions. Now its just a mockery. The stories aren't funny or fun. Everyone who goes bitches and moans about it now. I mean shit, Bill Simmons doesn't even go out there anymore and it's an event thats practically created for people like him.

You'd have a much more interesting time just stalking parties to see who ends up falling over drunk, or find out what psuedo-celeb is going to cheat on their spouse that night. Preferably, I'd rather attend NBA All-Star Weekend.

At least INTERESTING things happen there.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The Epic Finale

Now playing:
Juelz Santana - S.A.N.T.A.N.A.
via FoxyTunes

Are you not entertained!!!!! Spaniard Spaniard! Spaniard!!!!!

Just in case you have been living under a rock for the past three hours or so. I would like to announce that the New York Mets have acquired LHP Johan Santana from the Twins for a bevy of minor league talent. The Mets were able to keep their top prospect, however, and additionally gave up NO major league ready talent.

I will be unbearable for the next 300 days or so...I have already begun to drink the blood of virgins.

The New York Mets' newest acquisition, Johan Santana,
shown in the midst of his offseason training regiment.

A long time ago...

...I liked Vince Carter. This video epitomizes why:

Of Note:
  • Dunk victim: 7'2" Frederic Weis
  • Dunk Took place during the 2000 Summer Olympics
  • Was Dubbed the "le dunk de la mort" ("the Dunk of Death") in the French Press
  • Weis was selected 15th overall in the 1999 NBA Draft by, you guessed it, the New York Knicks. He never played a minute in the NBA, and I'm convinced he never came over out of intense shame.

Random Celebrity Endorsement

"This website is the bomb. The content and level of excellence blows me away. I tick tick tick the seconds away until I get out of work and am finally able to log on to view the new posts. The site features an explosive combination of jokes, thoughts, news, and opinions. I love this website, it makes me burst with excitement and erupt in laughter! Keep up the good work guys!" - Dr. Theodore John "Ted" Kaczynski

Backcourt Violations

(Photo Caption: This is what I think of when I think NBA, two poorly shaven Euros facing off)

There's certainly been more interesting nights in the association. The big news is Jason Kidd actually owning up to wanting out of NJ, and I guess the signing of Chris Webber to the Warriors. The first thing makes me happy. Kidd still has something left in the tank, and he's been downgrading his game with this current Nets squad. He's gonna be great on another contender. As far as Mr. Webber. My fascination with him goes back to this Fab 5 days at Michigan. Had an incredible combination of power, strength, size and speed. It was truly something to see. Even those first few years in Golden State with him, the infamous Latrell Sprewell, and current GM Chris Mullin, he was amazing. Fierce dunker, impact player on both ends of the court. Could even shoot the 3. However, he's always had a horrible attitude, and over time (and injuries) he managed to put the quietest 20 and 10 in NBA history (Knick fans you are seeing the fruit of his labor with Zach Randolph). What it comes down to is, I don't want my favorite team to watch, to employ a player I refuse to support.

New Orleans 117, Denver 93

The player singlehandedly carrying my fantasy team, Chris Paul, put up another gem with 23 points, 9 rebounds, and 17 assists and also was showered with MVP chants at various points during the game. What can I say besides...I agree.

Charlotte 107, LA Clippers 100

In the 3 games since being called to the carpet by the owner and then spanking the Kings, the Clippers are 0-3. So much for the thought that an owner's tirade could actually impact the players on the court. Also how badly did the Bobcats blow the drafting of Adam Morrison. I'll name my first kid SixtyNine if Morrison ever makes any kind of NBA impact.

Utah 97, San Antonio 91

Two of the league's more boring franchises play a game that couldn't hold my interest for more than a few minutes. Nothing like watching Jerry Sloan and Gregg Popovich scowl at each other. Makes you long for the days of Vinny Del Negro.

It's Pea-Nuts Muthafuckas!

Peanuts & Wu-Tang Clan
Comedy Ensues
hat tip to for the strip

Monday, January 28, 2008

Fucking Eli Manning!

This honestly might be one of the funniest things I have ever seen! Nothing can touch this... I am not a fan of the man in the Video, he was a horrible man, but the parody was hilarious.

Thanks for this link Vegan!

Backcourt Violations

You know sometimes you just don't feel like doing shit. Today is one of those days. That's why this is late.

I'm all for the Nets trading Jason Kidd, he doesn't want to be there, and the team is awful. Once you trade him, the next step is trading the scourge that is Vince Carter, and then you rebuild. NBA All Star game needs to take on a different format. I'm all for a International Stars vs. American Stars game. If the West tries its impossible for them to lose an All Star game.

Also I don't think you need to look for me in New Orleans this year. I wouldn't have gone down there before Katrina.

Cleveland 98, LA Lakers 95

Probably the marquee matchup of the weekend. Tell me you saw Kobe catch a Lebron James jumper in his mouth at the end of the game (I'm a self professed Kobe hater) that was probably the highlight of my weekend. Waved off a screen specifically so that he could put the dagger in with Kobe guarding him one on one.

Orlando 96, Boston 93

If KG plays Boston wins this game, simple as that. Nice miracle shot from the Turk to end the game.

Minnesota 98, New Jersey 95

Ah the Nets, welcome to the lottery. The Timberwolves had 7 wins going into yesterdays game. Al Jefferson is the Cloverfield monster.

Milwaukee 105, Washington 102, OT

Wiz had a furious comeback from being down 11 points at the end of the 4th quarter, but still came up short in OT. To all those who think they might be better off without Gilbert Arenas. This is exactly the kind of game Gilbert wouldn't let them lose.

Movies that Need a Sequel?

COOL as ICE, 1991 Featuring Vanilla Ice

Sadly Cool as Ice was "meant" to be a remake of a true American Cinema Classic, James Dean's Rebel without a Cause. Sadly the producers made one fatal mistake, they hired Vanilla Ice as the lead. I am convinced Suge Knight hung the producers of this movie off the side of the building because it is not humanly possible someone in Hollywood would green light this project unless their life was in imminent danger. My critique of this movie would not do it any justice so I will let my friends at have the honor.

"Worse than the acting is the absolutely hilarious Cameo by Naomi Campbell in the opening credits, who screams her way through a really really hideous song whilst dancing badly and constantly trying to brush her hair away from her face.

After this initial horrific all singing all dancing intro, some slut gives Vanilla her phone number just so that we're reminded how great Vanilla ice is, and then the film starts proper. At this point you're just recovering from the awfulness of the dark warehouse intro, and suddenly you're assaulted by the wildly vivid colours of... pretty much everything actually, it's a constant throughout the film that everything is just too vivid, its hard to explain, but once you've noticed it, its actually quite amusing.

This is pretty much how the film goes, just as you think you've seen the most awful scene in cinematic history, along comes another, worse one that manages to make the last one look average. A great example of this is the way that in the first couple of minutes, Vanilla 'bunny hops' his 250kg GSXR-1100 over a 5 foot high fence. An absolute classic moment in cinema which stays with you... kind of like syphilis.

But it's for all these reasons (and hundreds more) that you should watch this film. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. I've never really been an advocate of the 'so bad it's good' school of thought, but I'll make an exception for this film. Not only have I seen it many times, but I bought it new from Amazon a little while ago so I can say I have an original copy. In years to come it will be completely priceless, such is the cult following of this shocking celluloid mistake.

I really would recommend that you see it, not because it's great, but just so you can appreciate how bad something can actually be, and how much of a complete freak of a movie this is."

Now is that not an endorsement for a SEQUEL? Who would you cast in COOL as ICE 2 (Ain’t no time to Melt Now)

d$ and Paz do up the Royal Rumble

d$ and myself attended the Royal Rumble at MSG on Sunday night. Here are some notes from the evening….

-Grey’s Papaya has the recession special going strong. 2 dogs and a 14oz soda for $3.50 (which already includes the tax)

- Watching people look around for 5 minutes before entering a porn store is priceless.

- Apparently they have a professional lacrosse team in NY that plays their home games in MSG and their mascot looks like a Megaman villain reject. (Clownshoe man)

-SNY was interviewing people outside MSG. As one of the interviews came to an end d$ yelled out “I love you Chris Cotter!!” He was spotted, thus ruining his shot at being interviewed.

-Mike Adamle (former American Gladiators announcer) now works for the WWE. Too bad he didn’t bring Larry Csonka with him

-Ric Flair was rocking the greatest robe of all time to the ring. Glistening and glorious.

-For the most part New Yorkers tend to root for the bad guys. (myself included)

-Mike Adamle called Jeff Hardy…"Jeff Harvey"…Where’s Gemini when you need him?

-Michael Buffer still has a phenomenal head of hair and “Let’s get ready to Rumble!” still stirs the crowd into a frenzy.

-Turley from ‘The Longest Yard’ is a wrestler whose only skill is being 15 feet tall.

-‘Rowdy’ Roddy Piper is one of the coolest people alive, if you don’t believe me rent the movie “They Live” where he utters the line….”I came here to chew gum and kick ass…..and I’m all out of gum”.

-New York absolutely hates John Cena, yet when he made his surprise entrance the crowd went wild. (Must of been a mostly Yankee fan crowd...1st at bat: boo A-rod stinks...2nd at bat: yay A-rod hit a homer we will love him forever...3rd at bat: boo A-rod stinks)

-Saw Cowbell Man walking down the elevator wearing a sweet leather Mets coat over his smooth Coogi sweater. Don’t hurt em Cowbell Man. He let us know that he's heading down to Port St Lucie soon. I wonder if he packs his cowbell or if they let him carry it on the plane. Just a thought.

-As we were leaving we saw a drunk guy 40 something year old guy wearing a tie dye dragon t-shirt being held back by his mother after the security guards would not let him back up the stairs to go to the bathroom. "I'll kick your asses ::bangs on door:: I'll pee right in front of you then!" We later saw that same man peacefully enjoying a pretzel by himself on a street corner.

-We spotted Darryl Strawberry leaving from the players/wrestlers exit which lead to a raucous “Darryl…Darryl…Darryl” chant throughout the streets of NYC.

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He loves us all
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