Part 3 of an 8 part series: Inanimate objects I would like to have sex with

Whassa matter, Eli? Wondering why you made my list? You’re the most inanimate person alive today… but I love you more than I could ever express.

You will never hold my heart like Chad does, but man, that guy is so full of life. You, my friend, are a walking robot. After winning the NFC Championship game, you plodded along the field searching for the only person you wanted in your arms after the game… the punter.

And, damn… that post-game interview. You reacted like you just won a Jeff Spicoli
Look-a-like contest… “I-am-glad. No-I-am-very-happy. Ha. This-is-me-happy. We-are-going-to-the-Super-Bowl.”

So, why do I love him so much? Good question.



I think because he gets crapped on so much. He’s a very good quarterback and seems to be a very good guy… yet, he gets so much crap. Uncalled for. He’s the man.

And anybody who can score a chick like this, with the personality of a radar gun has to be good in the sack…



…d$’s coming Eli… Hide your heart, bro…

Attention anyone with a womb: Tom Brady wants to impregnate you!

3 Superbowl Victories, 50 TD passes, 1 wonderfully cleft chin....


These are all very important numbers in the life of a one Mr. Tom Brady.....but none of these numbers can compare to his ultimate goal.......

"Yea, I would love to give Travis Henry and Shawn Kemp a run for their money. Hell, I'd love to completely blow them out of the water. Imagine this cleft chin on at least 3 babies in each state. Except maybe Alabama of course, a guy has got to draw the line somewhere."


We approached Shawn Kemp outside a local TGI Fridays and told him about Brady's goals, he had this to say to Tom......


"I tell ya what, the Reign Man's got alot of respect for Mr. Tom Bradley's quest to sperm the nation from coast to coast. I'm proud to be a trailblazer of womb fertilizing. I've sprayed this great nation with my libido and I gladly pass the torch to Tom and wish him the best of luck. What time is it? what? 2:50? Oh Lordy...Sorry to cut this short guys but I need to get to the bank before they close. Need to make sure I have enough in my checking account for the 13 child support checks....."

We were also lucky enough to run into Travis Henry at Stop & Shop stocking up on 42 bags of chewy chips ahoy. We asked him how he felt about Tom's quest.

Reenactment of a Henry family gathering

"16-0, a perfect season huh Tom? Well how about 9 kids with 9 different women?...booyah!"

In the end Tom Brady may fall short of his ultimate goal of impregnating the entire Eastern Seaboard, but you can't blame the man for trying.

"I've been awesome at everything else I've tried....bass fishing....scuba diving...hoola hooping..world's strongest man competitions (See you next year Magnus Ver Magnusson....bitch).....I even won 3 straight seasons of Big Brother on CBS. If anyone can achieve their goals it's me, and I won't stop until my seed is in 76% of this country. That you can guaran-damn-tee. Attention everyone, if you have a womb I will impregnate it! Now if you'll excuse me I have to go do my Kegal exercises...."

Part 1 of an 8 part series: Inanimate objects I would like to have sex with

Dear Sasha,

You are so much more than just a George Foreman Lean Mean Grilling Machine to me; you are a part of me. Let’s not play games, baby… I have to get right to the point.

The fact that I made burgers frozen in the cold of winter in you tonight is a dream I never dared dream; you made heaven a reality… with beef. But that’s not all your capable, sweetheart.

You crisp bacon to perfect. You grill hot dogs like a wave of orgasmic pleasure. Chicken breasts are the only set of lovely ta-tas I need with you in my life… topped with barbeque sauce and the joint love between man and machine.

What more are you capable of? Is it selfish of me to even ask? You’ve given me so much already. Dare I try to grill a cheese sandwich between your warm, ridged thighs? I wonder if I can make a smore on your slanty bottom…

…All I know, Sasha, is that you give to me so much more than any woman could ever provide me… you give me food without words. Should every man be so lucky.

Always,
d$

The Rice Family: A Tale of Lust, Love, Lies, and Retribution

The Rice Family

A tale of lust, love, and retribution

Christina Rice: Oh shit the door! Get off-a-me and get in the closet!
Alberto Perez: Que? En el armario? Cual es?
Christina Rice: Just get in there you greasy prick!

Glen Rice: ::Shouting from downstairs:: Ey trick, daddy's hoo-ome! Whatya fine ass got fer me?
::Heavy thuds as the overweight former all-star climbs the stairs slowly::

Christina Rice: Oh hey baby, I was just layin here, you know, thinkin about you! You look so strong today baby!

Glen Rice: ::Breathing Heavily:: Yeah baby! I was pumping it up a bit earlier at the gym. But now I'm ::sniffs the air suspiciously::

Glen Rice: 'Ey bitch you smell dat? I know that smell!
Christina Rice: Gulp, I don't smell anything honey, maybe you just hungry?
Glen Rice: Naw I know that smell. Sheeeit, I was smellin that in da Hol-i-day Inn laaast night. I smell.... P'DUSSY!

::Glen Storms throughout the bed room, tearing open shades, glaring at his wife::

Glen Rice: Bitch! Why it smell like p'dussy in here when big daddy been at tha swap meet all day!? Is you trickin on me?
Christina Rice: Wait whatchu mean at the effing Holiday Inn...when was your ass at the Holiday Inn?
Glenn Rice: ::Suddenly realizing his mistake, Glen relaxes a bit:: Girl don't be talkin no bullshit now woman! That ain't even the point
Alberto Perez: ::Muffled, from the closet:: Si, esta verdad!
Christina Rice: Ain't the point!? Ain't the point!? Get out of MY House! Go and trick wit all your lil skeezers fake as nukka!
Alberto Perez: ::Muffled, from the closet:: Hay Dios Mio!!!
Glen Rice: Bitch, you'd best be puttin' that vase down! That shit wasn't cheap now ya hear!

::Moving with surprising fluidity for a big man, Glen manages to duck out of the way of the flying ceramic::

Glen Rice: Now you done did it, I'm a call tha police!
Alberto Perez: ::Muffled, from the closet:: Hay Dios mio! La policia!

::Suddenly, Glen seems to realize that the couple are not alone in the room::

Glen Rice: Ey woman! Who tha f*ck is in this here closet?
Christina Rice: ::Covers her mouth in fear:: No Glen don't!
::Glen Rice yanks the closet door open::
Alberto Perez: ::Still in the closet but no longer muffled:: Hay dios mio...
Get the real story here